the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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