I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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