evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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