My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize