u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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