if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
My ass is underappreciated
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
