so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
