You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
