your thong is hanging out like whoa
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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