if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Randomize
