You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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