Ketchup is God's man juice
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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