She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
