is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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