I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
