a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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