Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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