i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
