My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
