He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
