I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My vagina is officially offended.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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