I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
