do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
ttyl tear gas
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
