Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
There are leaves in my underwear?
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