Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
