Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I AM VODKA MAN
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
