I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize