I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
