I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Someone signed my nipple.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
