dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Houston, we have a blender
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
