We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
