Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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