I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
