Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
