You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
