I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
