my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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