no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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