My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
