OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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