Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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