literally had 100 drinks last night.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
