dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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