I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She's the barista slut.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
