I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
