Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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