Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
