so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
a search helicopter?!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
