I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
