i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
