Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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