I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The beer is more important than you right now.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
