Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
