forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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