Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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