just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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