a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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