I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
