I was born with a shot glass in my hand
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
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