well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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