Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Randomize