You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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