I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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